Split Personality?

I'm a people pleaser. Mom said even as a child I was always good natured and willing to do whatever anyone wanted, eager for approval.

And then I grew up. Sort of.

I had definite ideas about certain things, such as what foods I disliked, what clothes I wanted to wear, and even who my friends were. Unfortunately, I often was ridiculed.

For instance, one of my best friends in elementary school was a boy.

"Eeeuuuu! How can you be friends with him? Boys are yucky!"

I liked him because we crawled all over my treehouse, waxed-papered my slide, and even went down to the creek and climbed a few trees. My best girl friend wanted to play Barbies and listen to music. So at the tender age of 8, I decided to quit acting like a boy and be a girl again.

But....times had changed.

I wore dresses; read Little House on the Prairie and tried to be 'ladylike'. And opened my mouth at the wrong time and got slammed again! I didn't want to play sports; I wanted to be a cheerleader. But our school had decided to offer girls' sports, which I had no interest in. I wanted to read, embroider, and spool-knit, not run around and get dirty! Ick!

Consequently, I had only a small group of friends, instead of several. But we all planned our future weddings.

We all wanted the traditional white dress (preferably our mother's), white veil, and traditional white wedding cake. I was alarmed, because all wedding cakes were white, while I preferred chocolate.

"Don't be silly...Wedding cakes are always white!" was what I heard. So while in high school and college, while I secretly agreed with 'the dream wedding', I planned one where my cake would be chocolate, my groom wouldn't be forced to wear uncomfortable shoes, and we'd happily go off to Disney World, to play and ride the rides.

Why the fuss over the cake? I got my chocolate cake at my wedding, along with a tier or two with white. And yesterday on the news, there was a segment about 'non-traditional' cakes becoming more popular. Brides were ordering flavored cake, chocolate icing, and various other quirks. I personally always wanted the huge, multi-layered cake with the fountain in the center! But what I got was a modest, 4 or 5 tiered cake. I've told my kids that for our 25th anniversary, I want my dream cake! (And maybe Duff from Ace of Cakes could make it??)

I'm digressing. Anyway, around age 30, I realized I wasn't so dependant on approval anymore. My parents didn't particularly care for my shoulder-length spiral perm. "It's my hair, and I like it," I announced. Normally, their disapproval would have caused a mild depression to set in, along with me combing out my curls or something. Not anymore.

My parents do not especially approve of what I'm writing. So what else is new? I stupidly took my journal to school in the 8th grade and it was accidentally passed around, causing deep embarassment for about a week. I survived it.

Yes, I crave approval to some extent. I want people to like what I write; I want people to like what I have to say. But am I going to be depressed because I get a rejection? No. It just means the right person hasn't read it yet. Am I going to be depressed because no one comments on my blog? No. I'm just getting started! I know a few people have discovered me, and that's okay. Come next May, when I'm hopefully ready to submit my work and start praying for an acceptance, maybe then more people will be reading this. But until then, I'm content to sit here quietly, writing and trying to find my 'blog' voice. I've been approached about being controversial, and I fear it's just not in me yet.

I still tend to look at all situations from all sides. And that makes it hard to get off the fence.

So why the split personality? I suppose I'm a closet rebel. I do what is expected of me; I'm raising my kids, I'm saying the right things. But on the inside, and what is coming out in my stories, is the ME I longed to be twenty years ago; the girl who knew where life was taking her and how to get what she wanted. Trouble is, I let public opinion sway me in the opposite direction. So I'm reliving my early adult stage vicariously through my heroines!

How did YOU envision your future life when you were twenty? And what stopped you from attaining your dream?

Moving Right Along...

Got the final edits back on my 1st chapter:) Not too much to redo, so I sent off the second chapter! I really want this story to be on its way by May!

Found a terrific new blog, www.ohgetagrip.blogspot.com! Right now, the topic is Wonder Woman; do you adore her as a heroine, or does she send a mixed message?

I loved Wonder Woman, but I have to agree...how in the hell did she manage to do all that without her boobs popping out all over the place? Hell, I can't even dive off the diving board without losing my bikini top (when I wore one, that is!)!

Remember the Superfriends Hour? I was always partial to Aquaman and the Wonder Twins. Aquaman, because at the time I was 'in love' with whales and dolphins, and even thought about working with them. Until I learned I had to actually put my head under the sea water. Ugh. End of that ambition!

But Zan and Jana? Zan could turn into any form of water (I think!), while Jana could morph into any animal. Now that was cool! Remember the Wizard Duel in The Sword and the Stone? It's always been my favorite scene in that movie!

I've been doing quite a bit of marketing for my alter ego, who has the first of four signings this Saturday. I hope and pray it goes well, and that I meet many new readers in the coming weeks. I don't want to sell out of my inventory too quickly, as the shipping costs will eat up my gas money, so I guess my goal would be to at least come out ahead on the gas charges! If I can sell 10 books at each venue, or even just five, that would be fantastic!

Weather is steadily warming up, and the fact that my children are on Spring Break and at Grandma's for the week has left me plenty of time to do what I want, without interruptions of 'Mommy Duty'.

How is everyone else handling Spring Break? Are you spending time with your family, or are you like me and ship your kids off to Grandma's so that everyone gets a break from each other?

30 Years Ago...

Ashley Ladd asks the question today, where were we 30 years ago and what were we doing?

I was 12; in the 6th grade, and heavily into disco music, Shaun Cassidy, and the Bay City Rollers.

Star Wars was my favorite movie, and I saw it 28 times. Dad kept taking people to see it, and I kept begging to go with him. After the first two or three times, I spent the entire movie drooling over Luke Skywalker. But around the 10th time or so, Han Solo became much more exciting.

I was communicating with two friends of mine whose father was on sabbatical in Colorado. I'm still not sure what all transpired...but on the second or third day, one of the boys and I were talking and all of a sudden he said to me, "As long as you and I are going together, I doubt we'll ever break up."

And BOOM! I had my first boyfriend. Not sure when we started 'going together'...did it start in the letters? When we started spending a lot of time together?

Grease was also the movie that summer, and we spent hours doing the choreography to all the songs. I can still remember how we performed "You're the One that I Want" and "Summer Lovin". And let's not forget "Greased Lightening"!

And I was also particularly good at "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee". I also turned over both LP's and fell in love with "Freddy My Love", "It's Raining on Prom Night", and the Sha-Na-Na songs.

And by the time I started the 7th grade, I had received my first kiss (on the cheek) and held hands with the boy I 'just knew' I was going to marry some day!

And on the creative front, I was writing my first essays and fairy tales. But mostly, still continuing the stories in my head, concerning the books I was reading.

Today, I am doing edits on the first chapter of Head of the Class. I'm not going to send out chapter two until after the Easter Holiday. I only have to make some revisions and rewrite two sentances, so according to my critque partner, I'm doing a good job and she likes the story!

Read Dakota Rebel's book Hello, and it is fantastic! It is joining the short list of e-books to be re-read over and over! Good job, Dakota:)

Happy Easter! I know it's early, but not sure if I'll post again until after Sunday.

Enough Already!

I can hardly wait for these damn primary elections to be over, and a Democratic Candidate to be named! I am so sick of hearing whether or not Barak Obama is 'black enough', or why he should be questioned on his race issues. Get over it! He's intelligent; he's sure of himself; and has little or no skeletens in his closet!

Hillary on the other hand....not going there.

I think that this country is so not used to having any public person having any dirt to dig up, the media needs to invent some. Yes, there are extremists out there. Yes, there are the stereotypical characters out there. Just because Obama doesn't fit the stereotypical African American...come ON!

Remember Sanford and Son? Several other 70'a shows, such as the one with Jimmy Walker and even certain aspects of the Jeffersons? (Forgive me...my brain suddenly blanked on my two favorite sitcoms!) THAT was stereotypical. But I grew up loving The Cosby Show, and the CBS news had a very profound statement the other day...of people going, "Huh...Obama is black?" And is struck me, Russ Mitchell is black! Go ahead; make fun of me...but skin color is fading away. So what if we like a candidate based on what they stand for? So what if we watch a TV program because it happens to be funny? I'm white; I'm not a racist; I have friends of nearly all color.

I'll admit; the closest I ever came to dating outside my race was when I happened to become friendly with three of my fellow college basketball players. They were respectful; they were friendly; one even helped me slam-dunk a basketball ('white girls can't jump', ha ha!); and we even talked about getting a pizza together. But it never happened. And I even taught one of the cooks where I worked to jitterbug, in a public bar. It never even crossed my mind I might be labelled. But I didn't care...I wanted a dance partner and he was available. I look at what's on the inside...the heart, the personality, rather than the skin color.

Others need to do the same.

Happy St. Paddy's Day:)

I'm wearing my green; are you?

Bronwyn Green blogged about misconceptions of romance authors the other day; I'd like to add the one that really makes me roll my eyes.

It's the one where I show someone what I'm working on or writing, and they immediately assume I'm either an atheist or my soul is in dire need of salvation.

I've been a Christian my entire life, and made my statement of faith before the Elders of our Presbyterian church when I was 13. I spend at least 5-10 minutes every morning doing a Daily Devotion aka Quiet Time aka Q.T. I married a non-practicing Catholic, but when our children started asking questions, we made the decision to commit to Sunday morning church services. And since my husband would only consider the Catholic Church, off we went. He confessed and is now able to partake in the Eucharist; our oldest, who was baptized in my home church, converted to Catholisism so he could partake of the Sacraments. I decided to take the Catholic classes, in order to understand more fully what my kids were about to learn, and discovered I have a better knowledge of the Holy Bible than most Catholics!

No, my Protestant upbringing held true and I did not convert. I attend church; I pray constantly (and not just what is being recited...sometimes I silently will pray my own prayers!), I half-kneel on the kneelers; in short, I do almost everything except take Communion. And I often tick off my hubby by sometimes changing the words to the Lord's Prayer!

In fact, the two of us are conflicted our needs in the church. Hubby feels more at home in our home parish up in Martinsville, rather than the church we attend, which happens to be the one in which he grew up. I love our priest down here, because he is a wonderful speaker, and often 'zings' me, or challenges me on certain topics.

Like the question he posed yesterday:

When you look back on your spiritual journey, what do you see? Are you devout? A Peter, who runs away when confronted, and then turns his life around? A hypocrite, who is pius on Sunday but not the rest of the week? Or are you a doubter, waiting to see some proof?

I guess in the eyes of some, the fact that I choose to write erotica labels me a hypocrite. But you know what? God gave me this talent for putting words together. He also gave me a conscience, so if I'm not comfortable with what I'm writing, then I can re-evaluate the reasons behind it. I don't try to 'shock' anyone. If a person doesn't like what I've written, I will gladly point them to some other author who writes more conservatively.

But don't throw stones at me until you examine your own heart and actions. I know where I'm headed when Jesus calls me home. Do you?

Challenges

The proverbial gauntlet is about to be thrown down. And it's not going to be pretty when it is.

Why?

These blankety-blank gas prices!

How in the hell can an author go on tour and do the rest of her job if gas prices continue to rise?
And especially when her SO is close to forbidding her to drive?

I was informed this morning that IF the gas prices reach $4 a gallon or higher, I will have to cancel my signings farther than an hour away.

Eeeeexuse me?

Let me get this straight: You support my desire to be published. Check.

You swell with pride when readers gush a bout my work. Check.

You even patiently (at times) watch me monopolize the computer
when I'm 'in the zone'. Check.

But...if part of my job is to travel, in order to get the word out about
my books and to boost sales, but you won't allow me the gas money
to get there...how do you expect me to sell any?

Oh wait a minute...Does this fall under the 'Get a Real Job' category? Got news for you: It won't ever be a 'REAL JOB' until you leave me alone and let me do it!

Maybe I'm wired differently, but since becoming an adult, I've discovered if I'm told not to do something, and their arguments make no sense to me, my brain comes up with several alternatives so that I can do whatever it is, be it visiting a friend I've not seen for several years, or even something as simple as taking supplies to a sick relative. Or going on a road trip to promote my work. And especially now that I'm not afraid to call people and ask to set up a signing. I've made the commitment; I'm gonna do it. End of conversation.

Okay...maybe I've already picked it up and slapped him across the face with it?

Nah...he doesn't read this. But when he does try to tell me I can't go...watch out! He'll have to remove the engine or hide the car keys to keep me from it.

New authors cannot afford to back out of personal appearences commitments.

And I intend to honor mine.

Singing the Praises...

...of Anny Cook! I finished reading Honeysuckle last night, and boy was it worth the wait! Granted, these fictional women approach their sexuality in ways I never dreamed of, but isn't that was fiction is?

Now I want to experiment!

Unfortunately, it will have to be a fictional experiment...I happen to be married.

Honey's the kind of woman who likes two men at once. Admittedly, I was presented with an opportunity like this several years back, but when I tried to picture it, one of the guys always ended up fading out of the dream, and I was left with my dream guy.

I guess it shows I'm a one man woman.

I do commend Anny on her excellent way she deals with two books which deal with different aspects of the same events. My alter-ego has this happen in a couple of her books, and I'm happy to see it can be done without a lot of repititious dialogue and description.

Honeysuckle and the 1st book, Chrysanthemum, can both be purchased at www.ellorascave.com The 3rd book in the series, Daffodil, will be available soon!