Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Little Lies...

Warning: The following is a rant, plain and simple. If you don't want to read, feel free to exit this site immediately. I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.

Saw something on the news this morning.

Women are apparently better liars than men!

The examples ranged from lying about how much we spend at the store to those 'white lies' everyone tells...how friends look nice, even if we think they look on their deathbed; 'I'm fine, really,' when all we want to do is go back to bed and cry.

But the one that hit me the hardest was an innocent remark: But the worst ones are when we lie to ourselves...convincing yourself you love him when all you want is stability....



Because truthfully, a) I never should have married him or b) I should have divorced him when the thought first crossed my mind.

Why didn't I?

FEAR! And, admittedly, a little selfishness on my part.

I told myself I could focus on the kids, my writing, and I was very good at tuning him out.

Okay...fast-forward ten or so years.

I'm reaching my publishing dream; I've learned I can live w/o him....so why not show him the door?

Again, FEAR.

Fear that my straight A teens will promptly do a 180 and blow their chances of a higher education. Or become juvenile delinquints. Unfair judgements from people in the community, should my older ones choose to live with HIM instead.

Fear that some of the things I've done in the past will become public knowledge.

Fear that I can't support myself and my toddler.

Fear of disappointing my family. Okay, this one's a non-issue...they're pretty much waiting for the announcement!

But I'm getting tired of getting blamed for his shortcomings; things that happened YEARS AGO are still getting trotted out whenever I lose my temper and dare to defend myself.

It doesn't matter that yes, back in '94 I panicked when I realized I'd spent too much and lied about it; it doesn't matter that I lied about a certain road trip, because I knew he'd never let me go see my friend who happens to be a lesbian; it makes no difference I helped my neighbor cover up her infidelity...it was all over 13 years ago.

But the fact is, I lied to him and now he won't let me forget it.

And sometimes I look at him and say, 'and you wonder why I ever lied to you in the first place?' when I tell the truth about the amount of money I spent on groceries, or that the kids and I ordered pizza instead of cooking, and he spends an hour dredging everything back up.

I'm tired of it; he should get over himself; we should just quit this charade of marital bliss (hell?) and live our separate lives. At this point, I don't even care about getting a divorce; I just don't want to live with him anymore.


Kelly Kirch said...

The fear has you crippled. There's this thing called alamony and child support which helps you support the kids. And give yourself some credit. The kids know what you deal with and most likely would rather stay with you. If he's that bad, he left the marriage years ago. He divorced you without the papers.

Kenzie Michaels said...

I think we both checked out years ago, but don't want to admit it.