Why am I hoping she won't want to throttle me? Simple. I have two sentence fragments on the first page of the manuscript. What's the big deal? She wanted them joined together, in order to be grammatically correct. Problem is, I don't feel it needs to be grammatically correct.
In fact, you tell me: I'll post both paragraphs and let you judge. What's in it for you? I'm feeling generous: You'll get a freebie. Consider it an early present from me:)
Her way:
Steve Blumenthal, he was her high school sweetheart. Star basketball player, with a promising NBA career after college. Three years ago, the Chicago Bulls had moved him up to a starting position, with the media recording his every move. With the pressure mounting, he’d tried drugs. Angie had discovered him in her apartment late one night, in the act of disconnecting her stereo.
My way:Steve Blumenthal. Her high school sweetheart. Star basketball player, with a promising NBA career after college. Three years ago, the Chicago Bulls had moved him up to a starting position, with the media recording his every move. With the pressure mounting, he’d tried drugs. Angie had discovered him in her apartment late one night, in the act of disconnecting her stereo.
My compromise:
Steve Blumenthal, her high school sweetheart. Star basketball player, with a promising NBA career after college. Three years ago, the Chicago Bulls had moved him up to a starting position, the media recording his every move. As the pressure mounted, he’d tried drugs. Angie had discovered him in her apartment late one night, in the act of disconnecting her stereo.
But that's not all: I've partnered with Romance Books R Us, and we're giving away a Kindle, preloaded with goodies for you! The rules are posted on the upper left side of this blog, and keep checking back for the answer to my question, posted beneath them. And yes, I'll repost the question frequently. So good luck:)
2 comments:
I like your compromise. Hope she allows you to keep it. :)
You're so much nicer than me. If I don't really care for the edit an editor sends me, I totally change the whole thing and make it completely unrecognizable from both our versions. Okay, maybe not totally completely, but I probably would've mixed it all around until it said something like:
Steve Blumenthal might’ve been a star basketball player with a promising NBA career after college, not to mention her high school sweetheart, but after the Chicago Bulls made him a starter three years ago, mounting pressure from all his media coverage turned him to drugs, and Angie discovered him disconnecting the stereo in her apartment late one night, high as a kite.
I know, run-on sentence much?!
But I think your compromise was wonderful. Fingers crossed that you can keep it.
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